My spouse and I are big fans of spreadsheets and some people, including our friends, think this is strange. I agree - but believe it or not, it works and we find it fun! One of the habits we have formed is an extension of the 6 month conversation, which I will now dub the every-6th-month conversation.
(If you haven't heard of of the 6 month conversation before, I'm recommending the detailed post created by my other half which you can find here. )
What is the every-6th month conversation?
It is essentially an extension of the 6 month conversation where as partners, we converse about things that are working for us, things that are not working for us and things that we may need to change. It's something we have built together to check in on things that are changing for us as individuals and as a partnership.
Why???!!!
Early on in dating, we had agreed on our beliefs that long-term monogamous happy relationships take a LOT of work. We wanted our partnership to be a choice we made every day but also acknowledged that things would change from our happy blissful honeymoon dating stage. Life happens and priorities changed so we decided to constantly (and formally) set a time every period to check in on ourselves.
Does it have to be a formality? No - a lot of things we talk about come up in everyday conversation. Setting up a time however, helps us really think about how we want the conversation to go prior to, and what actually needs to be discussed that hasn't already been talked about.
Oh that's really cool. How do you do it?
It depends on the month and where we are. Some key guidelines that we've used are...
- Set the intention - This can vary depending on where the relationship is. Some examples include discussing whether individual and partner priorities have changed recently, habits each wants to break or create, to gauge how well things are going, to discuss a plan for the next year if there is a big change coming (e.g marriage, kids, careers), etc.
- Come up with talking points - At a very high level, agree upon which high level talking points will be discussed and which ones are less important, have been done or can be done in the future. Agree on how long you want the conversation to last, and check in when things are getting a bit "heavy" so you can take enough snack breaks!
- Active Listening - During the conversation, make sure you give your partner adequate time to speak (and vice versa). Ask follow up questions and repeat what they say in your own words so that each person understands and more importantly feels understood.
- Write it down - Write down points that are important, and that you want to remember for future conversations. For example, you can write down the priorities for the next year, three habits that are going to be formed/broken or some quick notes on why you're thankful to have each other. Sometimes, it's helpful to post in the fridge, or somewhere visible as a reminder of a shared commitment past these formalities.
Some additional thoughts...
Thank you for reading! This has been an incredible path of self-discovery for both of us so we are more than happy to share what has worked and what can be taken to other kinds of relationships (business, friendships, etc.). We also understand that something as formal doesn't work for everyone, although hope that you may have learned a thing or two either way.
photo credits to THIS IS IT STUDIOS